all I need is for someone to tell me, “your fears are rational. your nerves are understandable. failure is an option. you may be right, you might not be able to do this.”
maybe that’s what I need to hear. but no, I have supportive friends and family that believe in me. they encourage me every step of the way, and it feels terrible that they see something in me that I don’t.
it hurts thinking about the future
staying strong this summer.
Too busy with everything on my plate, hardly is there an opportunity to really just reflect without having the to-be-done obligations flicker across my mind. My self-reflections are pushed aside for the to-do list of today, tomorrow, next week, and next year.
It’s at night, when I’m praying to fall asleep, does the anxiety really hit me. At that point, it impounds and deflates me all at once. Without giving me a second’s warning to catch my breath.
And then this week happens, and I keep looking forward, because that’s all I can do. I lean shakily on promises and hopes and dreams so that I can give up what’s real, what i want right now, and what’s inside of me.